10 year ago, I miscarried.

(Trigger warning- potential graphic descriptions of miscarrying)

10 years ago we celebrated our first Thanksgiving with our baby girl. Our baby girl who was nearly 4 months old. It was a great day! We celebrated with family and had an awesome time. After cleaning up for the day, I climbed the stairs to go to the bathroom.  I remember feeling very relieved that the day went well, I was a little tired, but happy.  I went to the bathroom. I saw blood. 

I knew. 

We called the doctor, they said to just see how the weekend progressed and to check in on Monday. Being early on and a couple of months along, there isn’t much that can be done. Being very work focused, I made my hubby go to work that Friday and I stayed home (and worked some). It was my baby girl and I spending the day together with me taking many trips to the bathroom. I had never had a miscarriage before and was just thinking there would be blood. Like a big blood clot with the baby. So on this day, Friday, there was just blood. What I was expecting. 

Saturday, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my parents. I remember going to the bathroom, this is when I started to become nervous to go to the bathroom. Other parts of the baby process started to come out. Having just given birth several months earlier, I was at least aware of these things- though it was on a much smaller scale. 

What I (also) wasn’t aware of that happened later that weekend, were contractions. I wasn’t anticipating all the contractions and how much pain I’d be in for a little baby. After working through the contractions, I again, went to the bathroom. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as more passed from me.  I then took what came out of me and wrapped it up in a small cloth. It seemed that it could be a baby in a blood clot of sorts. 

It’s just an unknown concept to those who have no idea, that a miscarriage process could take so long. It becomes a tole on your body and mind. 

The next day we went to the doctor and he said that all was well, my uterus looked normal- the baby had passed. Later that day, I had contractions yet again, and about a 3inch form of a baby came out of me. I was shocked. It seemed that the baby had been lodged in me and took a little bit to come out. The relief my body felt after this was quite amazing. I wrapped this baby up in a small blanket as well. Decided on a box and put it in the freezer.

Again, what does one do with the remains of a small baby? This was all unknown territory for us at this point. 

I won’t ever know 100% if there were 2 babies or just one. We had had a pregnancy test, but I hadn’t gone in for a scan yet. One was much smaller and harder to tell while the other baby was a good size. I had passed so many aspects of birthing a baby, that I’m pretty sure it was twins. 

Miscarriages, as all pregnancies, are different so my experiences won’t be just like other peoples. But when I say I had no idea what to expect, I truly didn’t. I’d say during this time to do what you need to do. If that’s be around people, then be around people. If it’s being as a small family, do that. It’s your time to grieve as you see fit. 

My miscarriage was started on November 24, 2011 and ended November 28, 2011. As the months passed, we did try for another baby. We found out he’d be due November 25, 2012. The timing on this is not lost on me at all. At a time when you are low and suffering, you have no idea what the next year has in store.

It was at that point that we took our babies remains and had them cremated.  We did eventually bury these remains at a location we are able to easily go and visit. My children all know what we are doing when we go visit the baby. Sometimes they even ask to go visit and it warms my heart.